September 2020

◉ 09/27
- mood: drained
- card pull: wheel of fortune (reversed)
  • no control, clinging to control, bad luck

    Today this pull honestly fits. I've been feeling very drained overall in my day to day, whether it be work or home life. I've been trying my best to manage everything but I feel like I'm gettting to a harder time in the year as far as stress levels go. I feel like COVID has made my relationships strained. I thought I was trying enough but it feels like everything I do isn't enough or I'm not interesting enough. My work has paid off in some areas but my social life has been struggling. I think there is a power conflict in my most important relationship, where I am being expected to carry much more load than I had previously. Everything feels unbalanced.

    I've been trying my best with communication and am proud of myself for reaching out to new people and feeling like I can talk to those in my inner circle. But I still feel like I'm not doing enough. Or I'm not doing things right. I think it's easy to feel this way when I spend nearly every waking hour with the one I care about most. No wonder the cats scrap all the time.

    I have been more creative at least. And they've supported me in my creative pursuits. I find myself wanting more time for these but I worry that I'm being manic or sucking myself into things too much. I don't know how to spread myself so that I am able to enjoy my own passions while maintaining relationships. I often go all or nothing with these and perhaps that's not healthy. It's as if I cannot focus on one or the other.

    Oh well. Something for me to continue working on, I suppose.