October 2020

◉ 10/27
- mood: cautiously optimistic
- card pull: IX of wands
  • resilience, pushing forward, last stretch

    Not feeling like complete horseshit today. Had a decent day at work with the quarter wrapping up. I got a lot done and have been sleeping a little better since getting the news that I will be safe through June. It's insane to think how much my mood has depended on knowing whether or not I will be put at risk. And it's not even the idea that I myself would die that bothers me. Moreso it's knowing that I might bring something home that infects my partner.
    I don't think I could live with the guilt if that happened.
    I can't believe that just a week ago I was planning on seriousl inhabiting 1 room of the house and having an in-house long distance relationship. I'm glad I don't have to worry about that for the time-being. But I feel so much guilt and anxiety for my co-workers. I feel like I need to do something.
    I reached out to someone today about it. She was thinking the same thing I was. Strength in numbers.
    Something to look forward to tonight is potentially getting DDR working on my computer. If I have to be nearly homebound for the rest of the year, I might as well find a way to stay active.

    ◉ 10/14
    - mood: despaired
    - card pull: VIII of wands (reversed)

  • obstacles; waiting; slowing down

    The only thing that's been keeping me sane is the food I can make for my family and the comfort of my cats.

    Also been playing a lot of animal crossing and watching abandoned mall tours nad VHS sold as blank deep dives. Everything is miserable, but at least I voted today.
    It's eerie how accurate my card pulls are lately. The waiting game for finding out if my life is going to have to radically change is killing me. And I was told today that I have to completely overhaul all of the planning I did for the last 2 weeks because of changing scheduling last minute. I jokingly said that my partner could light me on fire to serve as a firepit in the backyard but now this sounds like it would be almost better than the situation I'm in right now.
    The fortune is advising me to just rest and wait things out. I should take that advice.

    ◉ 10/13
    - mood: overwhelmed, frustrated, pissed
    - card pull: VII of Swords (reversed)

  • turn a new leaf; desire to reform; desire to change

    Shit's been insane lately and this card makes me feel a little hopeful. My job has been giving me so much whiplash, I am very low with the ammount of fucks I have to give at this point. I've decided that if I have to go back and if they're not going to prepare us or keep us safe that I'm going to give the absolute minimum. I can't take this shit. I feel like I'm an animal being backed into a corner and I've gotten so used to the corner that it's become my home. But god help any fucking hand that reaches over to me now.

    I'm sick of being told that I just need to experience my feelings and move past shit. It's outrageous and I do not feel like me or my co-workers are being heard. I did not imagine in a thousand years that I'd be expected to do the shit I'm doing now in this pandemic. I can't stand it. And I want to be there for those I work with. I want to be the best that I can be, especially starting out in this career. But I'm limited by the pandemic, by the government, and by those who hold the puppet strings over my profession.

    Though, this reading makes me feel a little hopeful. That things will change. Tuesdays have become a dreaded day for me because of constant emergency meetings that change everything last minute. I have the third meeting in a row scheduled next week. And I have a feeling they're just going to tell us more last minute bull shit. But at the same time I'm hopeful I'll get accomidations. I looked today and saw some data was entered for me for a specific placement. But I've not been told anything so I'm staying cautious. But I am hoping that my desire for change and the universes acknowledgement of it will present me with an ounce of hope for my future. For my life and the life of my partner. I never thought I'd have to write a will at my age, but you can never be too prepared.