March 2021

◉ 03/18
- mood: buzzing, excited
- card pull: X of Swords (Reversed)
  • reviving, rejuvenation, inevitable end

    Holy shit this is eerie. I just got to a place with my mental health recovery where I feel really stable and in tune with my needs. I even spoke to my therapist about taking a break from sessions because I feel like I've accomplished what my goals are. This is a good sign. I do feel like I'm healing and this idea of all things coming to an end is so reassuring. I was able to be vaccinated today and I feel euphoric about that. Will still have to get the second dose in a month but holy shit...progress. There is actually a light at the end of the tunnel.
    Today must be my lucky day or something because I also found out I was nominated for an award at work and someone left an incredibly sweet comment on one of my writing pieces I posted. I feel unstoppable. I feel acknowledged. It's spooky having eyes on you for good reasons when so many times in your life you feel unwanted or like a ghost.
    I want to order food for dinner to celebrate, but I've gotten take out about once a week lately. Though I did just get my stimulus check, so maybe I should treat myself to something nice. I hope this luck streak continues for a little bit. At least through summer. The pendulum always swings both ways and it feels so incredible to be riding a wave of positivity.

    ◉ 03/15
    - mood: optimistic, happy
    - card pull: VI of Pentacles (Reversed)
  • selfishness, stinginess, debt

    This must be predicting the future car bill I'll have to pay soon -_-. I've got to get my timing belt replaced and that's going to be quite the bill. I've been already thinking about what I can cut out with my spending, and I hate that giving to others is always the first to go. I want to support those around me, but it's hard when my finances are always one incident away from crumbling. Wah wah, real life bull shit.
    Other than that, I've actually been doing really well the past couple of weeks. Slightly bothered by job stuff, but feeling pretty reassured overall about it. I'm doing my best and that's all that matters. I've been riding a wave of creativity lately and got the courgage to share a really personal piece of writing with some internet pals. I feel good about it and will have to post it soon. I've not really been able to focus on longer writing pieces in a while, so I'm really proud of myself that I was able to get that out. I've also been trying to be a little more social, even though that's kind of tricky for me. But all in all, feeling good. Weird being a year into quarantine, but hey, what's new.

    ◉ 03/03
    - mood: slightly energized, social, hungry
    - card pull: Knight of Wands (Reversed)
  • anger, impulsiveness, recklessness

    Hmm...what an off card pull today. This definitely described my mood yesterday though. Not the best day. Cried for the first time in what feels like at least 8 months. I've been so bottled up, it was like everything came out of me at once. It made me feel a little cruel. I can't help express how I'm feeling. Is it cruel to share when you're hurting? It was definitely cruel to myself to keep that in for that long.
    Felt really seen by this video though.
    Anyway, bought myself a few anthologies I'd been wanting today. I'm hoping they'll arrive soon. I also made some new friends in a server. I don't always feel like I fit in most places where multiple people are talking. Makes me feel a bit shy and like I don't relate to others. But it's not been a problem so far. Proud of myself that I felt like I could try talking to others instead of keeping to myself. I feel welcomed. I don't feel like a ghost.
    Feeling very hungry, but there's a cat in my lap. I think I'll make the rest of the *mini* baby bok choy for dinner with some kind of stir fry.